I don’t know if anyone will even read this; it’s been so long since I last wrote anything. I write this as much to keep a diary of my feelings as anything else. I haven’t looked at this blog in months so it’s been interesting to read my past posts.
So here we are, nearly two years after my affair ended.
Nothing has really changed, yet lots has changed. We continue to battle along. My wife has found the voice she lost for all those years. She’s says she’s got over the affair, the mental abuse and the humiliating actions but she cannot find a way to get past the sense of abandonment when she was pregnant and when our youngest was born. The last counselling session was on her own as I had one on my own a couple of weeks earlier when our youngest was ill so my wife couldn’t go. The counsellor likes to keep sessions balanced; if I have one on my own then my wife gets one on her own. During her session, this is what came out, basically this is the block that stops us re-establishing our marriage. And as a consequence, she still doesn’t know if she can come back into the relationship or not.
Meanwhile, family life continues and is great fun. I’m so close to our youngest, she’s three and a half and she’s had her daddy full time and 100% present for nearly two years. She comes to me every morning when she wakes up and it is awesome. My son is thriving and my 16 year old twin daughters have just finished their GCSE exams and are very settled and happy. We’re all about to go on our big summer vacation again next month. This time it wasn’t even a debate, we booked and we’re going.
My mentor sent me a book today. The Book of Forgiving by Archbishop Desmond Tutu. The blurb says the path of healing has four aspects: Telling the Story; Naming the Hurt; Granting Forgiveness: Renewing or Releasing the Relationship. I guess we’re at step three on the three points above and step two on the abandonment issue. Only then will my wife be able to decide if she wishes to renew or release the relationship. Until then, I do my best to hold the space for her and demonstrate as best as I can that I’m committed to us.
Oh, one thing has changed; when I tell her I love her answer nowadays is “I know you do”.
I pray I’m able to keep strong; this has a long way to run yet.